Funny Extracts from Science Test Answers

The following are genuine excerpts from answers students gave on science exam papers...

• The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
• The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
• A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
• English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
• The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
• To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
• To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
• A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
• We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

College Quotes

Going to college or university is one of the great rites of passage in Western society. Here we take a look at this tradition through the words of the rich and famous (and a few others)....

• Samuel Beckett: Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.
• W. H. Auden: Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people''s sleep.
• Ruby Wax: College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.
• Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man''s lifetime income--which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughn

Drugs, Sex and Rock''n''Roll

• Woody Allen: A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ''no''.
• College Band Instructor: If you don''t blow hard and finger your parts correctly nothings every going to come out of it.
• College Student: If sex was a video game, I would be the guy who just presses random buttons.
• Humprey Bogart: The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
• Joe Lewis: You''re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
• Oscar Wilde: I can resist everything except temptation.

Taking Education Seriously

• G. K. Chesterson: Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.
• Mike Barfield: An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.
• George Bernard Shaw: He who can does - he who cannot, teaches.
• Mark Twain: I have never let schooling interfere with my education.
• Albert Einstein: Education is what remains when one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
• Robert Frost: College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
• Mark Twain: Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
• Robert Gohen: If you feel that you have both feet planted on solid ground, then the university has failed you.
• George Edwin Howes: The chief value in going to college is that it''s the only way to learn it really doesn''t matter.
• Anonymous: The freshmen bring a little knowledge in and the seniors take none out, so it accumulates through the years.
• Elbert Hubbard: You can lead a boy to college, but you can''t make him think.
• Anonymous: If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they''d all be a lot more comfortable.

Exam Pranks

If you know you are going to fail a class, or if you just want to have some fun, try the following techniques for spicing up that final exam!

1. When the exam paper is placed on your desk, grab it and run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I''ve got the secret documents!!"
2. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is an essay questions, answer with numbers and symbols. (Be creative. Use the integral symbol.)
3. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (BABE etc.).
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor''s left nostril.
5. Bring cheerleaders.
6. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at the maximum level.
7. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
8. Find a new and interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." Be creative.
9. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you''re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam, saying that you lost the first one. Repeat every fifteen minutes.
10. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
11. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette''s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
12. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don''t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
13. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
14. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Be persuasive! Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
15. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
16. Bring a water pistol.
17. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
18. Bring a spanner. Take your desk apart during the exam.
19. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
20. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I''m here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
21. Relate every answer to your own life story.
22. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
23. Start a Mexican wave.
24. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
25. Bring a large, cumbersome and ugly idol. Pray to it often. Make a small sacrifice to it.

Rejection Letter Reply

Dear Sirs,
Thank you for your letter of March 24th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company''s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely,
Dumbo

Students Need Money

The following letter was written home to his parents by a student who was trying to hint that he needed some money.....

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an''t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son''s letter, the father immediately replied with this letter:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Funny things to do in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They''ve found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes. Then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can''t get the damn thing to work. After it has been turned on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it''s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don''t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don''t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
13. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
14. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
15. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
16. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive. When it doesn''t work, get the supervisor.
17. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
18. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor''s keyboard as you leave.
19. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
20. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
21. Bring som dry ice. Make it look like your computer is smoking.
22. Attempt to eat your computer''s mouse.
23. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
24. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
25. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
26. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
27. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it''s the computer and look really lost.
28. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn''t work.
29. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Twenty ways to confuse your Roommate

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It''s not funny anymore!"
2. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out. Remark every so often how great the book is.
3. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don''t plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn''t know what it''s doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
4. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you''re going away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you''re not a hard man to find.
5. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell them something, go to another room and call them on the phone.
6. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
7. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
8. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It''s time to go to bed now."
9. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
10. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
11. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn''t obey them, give him or her a ticket. Confiscate something your roommate owns until they pay the fine!
12. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don''t worry little buckaroo. You''ll be safe with me."
13. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
14. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who''s that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you''re not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
15. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
16. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases". Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
17. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
18. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn''t here to take care of you any more."
19. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I''ll have enough for that sailboat."
20. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

Funny things to do with a Term Paper

1. Type every word of your essay in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire assignment on Post-it notes; hand it in by sticking them all over the professor''s door.
4. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn''t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
5. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
6. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can''t do the paper because you''re not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
7. If assigned a 2000-word essay, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
8. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
9. Hand in the essay by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor''s desk.
10. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can''t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an ''A''.
11. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
12. Hand in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you''ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
13. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
14. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won''t see you until the next full moon.
15. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
16. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it''s nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
17. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
18. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
19. Write your psychology essay on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
20. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
21. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn''t possibly express what you had to say.
22. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
23. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
24. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it''s only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
25. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
26. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
27. Make your assignment one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
28. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving your essay and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There''s my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
29. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
30. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
31. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
32. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w''s whenevew you weawwy want to type r''s ow l''s.
33. Ol, switch alound arr the l''s and r''s in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
34. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
35. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".

The College Hierarchy

The Dean...

• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound;
• Is more powerful than a locomotive;
• Is faster than a speeding bullet;
• Walks on water;
• Gives policy to God.

Head of Department...

• Leaps short buildings with a single bound;
• Is more powerful than a switch engine;
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
• Takes a few steps on water;
• Talks with God.

Professor...

• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds;
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine;
• Is faster than a speeding BB;
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool;
• Talks with God if a special request is honored.

Associate Professor...

• Barely clears a quonset hut;
• Loses tug of war with a locomotive;
• Can fire a speeding bullet;
• Swims well;
• Is occasionally addressed by God.

Lecturer...

• Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap over tall buildings;
• Is run over by locomotives;
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury;
• Treads water.

Instructor...

• Climbs walls continually;
• Rides the rails;
• Plays Russian Roulette;
• Walks on thin ice;
• Prays a lot.

Graduate Student...

• Runs into buildings;
• Recognizes locomotives two out of three times;
• Is not issued ammunition;
• Can stay afloat with a life jacket;
• Talks to walls.

Undergraduate Student...

• Falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings;
• Says "Look at the choo-choo";
• Wets himself with a water pistol;
• Plays in mud puddles;
• Mumbles to himself.

If College Students Had Written The Bible

• The loaves and fishes would be replaced by pizza and chips.
• The Ten Commandments are actually only five - but they are double-spaced and written in a large font, so they look like ten.
• The Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn''t dorm food.
• Paul''s letters to the Romans would become Paul''s e-mail to the Romans.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather finals.
• Tower of Babel blamed for foreign language requirement.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn''t want to ask directions and look like a freshman.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College

14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13. Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it''s all fun and games until someone loses their ''nads.
11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6. "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2. Don''t think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."
1. In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.